


Drunk Actually

by secretsofluftnarp (luftie)



Category: Beyond Belief - Fandom, The Thrilling Adventure Hour
Genre: Christmas, F/M, Thrilling Adventure Hour Secret Santa 2015, movie parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2015-12-27
Packaged: 2018-05-09 20:20:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5553968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luftie/pseuds/secretsofluftnarp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank and Sadie Doyle advise a spirit who seems a bit off re: affairs of the heart. </p><p>For lettersthatconveyaword for Secret Santa 2015.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drunk Actually

__**Frank** (mocking Things Ghosts Say): Oh, please help me, you’re the only one that can see me!  
**Sadie:** Do not broach that argument with us, spirits.  
**Frank:** That same logic suggests that merely because we’re the only ones with a car, we must drive everyone in the city to the airport! The very idea.  
**Sadie:** It is a favor reserved for only the best of friends.  
**Frank:** Sorry ghosts! Find your own way to the airport!  
– TAH episode 38.2

 

 **Frank:** Sadie, are we _moving_? 

 **Sadie:** It would appear as though we are! The ice in your glass does seem to be moving about rather abruptly, do be careful with it!  
  
**Frank:** Always, love. (Motions to clink his drink.)

 **Sadie:** Frank! When I went to clink my drink just now, I noticed I’m not holding one at all!

 **Frank:** I’m sure that can be remedied, love.  
  
**Sadie:** And it looks like _that’s_ because both my hands are on this _steering wheel_. Ooh, Frank! It appears I’m operating a motor vehicle! (looks out window) And it appears we’re very close to some aeroplanes.

 **Frank:** Ha ha! When they say ‘taxi down a runway,’ that’s not what they mean!

 **Ghost** (from back seat): We’ve got to get to gate 36!

 **Sadie:** Oh, a haunted limousine! That’s a bit more on-brand for us, I suppose.

 **Frank:** Sadie, do we _know_ a disembodied voice?

 **Sadie:** I’m afraid not. (swerving) Hah-hah-hah!

 **Ghost:** I’m MarkJamie SamDavid! And we’ve got to get to the airport so I can say goodbye to my one true love, who doesn’t know I exist!

 **Frank:** Hang on. That does not seem like something we would voluntarily do. At all.  
  
**Sadie** (running the car up a curb): I’ve found the airport!  
  
**Frank** (to Ghost): Did you make us do a thing? Against our wills? If so, how?

 **Sadie:** Our wills are quite strong.

 **Frank** (going to clink his drink): But not as strong as – (looking directly at his drink) Aha! Blackouts. My one weakness! 

 **Sadie:** (acting, and clearly enjoying herself) Last stop for Terminal A!  
  
**Frank:** Sadie, I don’t see why we ought to go inside and thus aid this plot to which we did not agree.  
  
**Sadie:** I hear they sell alcohol here! In adorable tiny bottles.

 **Frank:** (to Ghost) Excuse us for a moment.

(Frank and Sadie return to meet Ghost in a lobby area. Frank’s pockets are filled with tiny bottles, and Sadie is holding the top layer of her skirt out in front of her. It is piled high with tiny bottles.)  
  
**Frank:** Now, what are you trying to do? Keep in mind that we’re still not terribly keen on helping.  
  
**Ghost:** I need to find my one true love and tell her she’s my one true love!  
  
**Sadie:** (softening) Oh! A love story. Frank, we do love a good love story.

 **Frank:** _Do_ we love a good love story?

 **Sadie:** We certainly love _our_ good love story. (they clink tiny bottles)  
  
**Ghost:**  I’ve got to get to her before her plane leaves for New York!

 **Sadie:** This is New York.

 **Ghost:** I’ve been noncorporeal for years! Gives you a terrible sense of direction.

 **Frank:** True. Gives _one_.

 **Ghost:** And since you kinda guys are the only ones who can see me, I need your help.  
  
**Frank:** So much that you can’t be bothered to request it.  
  
**Sadie:** (to Frank) While his methods are notably deplorable, I’m very curious about the details. (to Ghost) Tell us about your One True Love!  
  
**Ghost:** Well, her name is Katie, and I’ve been in love with her since grade school. Even though I never told her. This one time I played really well in the school band to try to get her attention though. Oh, and we wound up working together and I would look at her longingly from my desk? And I was the best man at her wedding, but I didn’t talk to her at all, but I not-quite-accidentally took a bunch of video closeups of her face.  
  
**Sadie:** (completely un-softened) Hmmm.  
  
**Ghost:** And now I’m stuck in this airport, to try and make my confession of love every Christmas! Because on Christmas, you tell the truth!  
  
**Frank:** That’s not a concept that exists.  
  
**Sadie:** Christmas is about little red bows on things, and candy canes and gingerbread and being diplomatic toward the sort of people you wish you’d be obligated to see even less than once a year. 

 **Ghost:** But I’ve got to keep giving it a shot! You know the thing about romance is people only get together at the very end.

(Sadie looks at Frank.)  
  
(Frank looks at Sadie.)  
  
**Frank:** (raising a tiny bottle) To breaking the formula!  
  
**Frank and Sadie:** Clink!

 **Sadie** : We hate to break it to you, but your ‘very end’ seems to have occurred rather a _while_ ago.

 **Frank:** And if the object of your affections didn’t recognize you in life, they are unlikely to recall you after you’re dead. Although one can reasonably conclude that it is likely the person in question would recognize you, and is unlikely to want you around.  
  
**Sadie:** Now, we don’t mean to be rude –

 **Frank:** Yes we do.

 **Sadie:** It seems what you’re calling love, you might be…incorrect..  
  
**Frank:** We would know!  
  
**Ghost:** Then how do I get to stop haunting this airport? I’m clearly being held here because it’s a place mainly for loving and joyful reunions.  
  
**Frank:** (noticing a person cursing out a luggage carousel) That’s demonstrably not true.

 **Sadie:** Yes, the airport is full of unhappy people, especially this time of year. Ghost, I have an idea. What if you served your desperate need to be noticed by doing something nice for some of these weary travelers?

 **Frank:** All the lonely people! Where _do_ they all come from!  
  
**Ghost:** Like what?

 **Sadie:** Like making someone’s bag a little lighter for a while, or mysteriously dimming the lights for that woman over there who clearly has a migraine, or jangling some keys in front of a baby. 

 **Frank:** Those are all things ghosts can do!  
  
**Sadie:** And if you do it enough, all those small moments might mean just as much as one big moment – maybe more! – and allow you to pass on. If not, it’ll at least keep you busy.  
  
**Ghost:** That’s a pretty good idea, Mrs D.  
  
**Sadie:** And you’ll do it out of the goodness of your heart, not out of the threat that if we hear you’re using nonconsensual mind control on anyone again, Frank will come back here and dismember you.  
  
**Frank:** Sadie. You know you’re just as capable of dismemberment as I am.  
  
**Sadie:** Yes, but sometimes I prefer to watch.

 **Ghost:** I’m gonna go jangle some keys! (whirls away)  
  
**Frank:** (shouting after him) Mind you give them back when you’re done!  
  
**Sadie:** Do you think he learned his lesson?  
  
**Frank:** Possibly. (Pauses to polish off the last of the tiny bottles, which he has been drinking this entire time.) Well, you as well as I know the best way out of an airport, love.

 **Sadie:** TAXI!


End file.
